What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever given a lot of thought to?
I’m not talking about a passing thought. Not an intrusive thought. Not a weird little notion that crept into your cranium when you were low on sleep (or sobriety).
I’m talking about something you have given THOUGHT to. Like you’ve mentally crunched the numbers and come to a conclusion.
For me? It’s public bathroom stalls.
More specifically, which stall has the greatest likelihood of being clean at any given moment.
Let me explain.
As a man, I’m presented with a range of options when entering a public restroom.
First up, you’ve got a couple of classic stalls with your standard toilet setup. White, porcelain, feels like home—familiar.
Next, you’ve got the urinal. Sometimes it’s high up, sometimes it’s down low, but ALWAYS is it faster than the classic toilet option.
Finally, you have the sink. Not intended for toilet functions, but in a pinch…
(kidding, relax)
Unless…
Right, anyways.
With many options come many variables. And the more variables you have, the more thinking you must do. Hence, my fixation with this question.
Given all that I know about the standard goings-on of a typical men’s public restroom…how can I select the stall that has the highest likelihood of cleanliness?
Let the games begin.
My first thought is to eliminate the largest stall that sits at the very end of the row. I wish I could say it was out of consideration for those that might need the accessibility of that particular stall, but truly…well.
As long as I can remember, that’s just the coolest stall. That’s the one you want. Extra space. It’s like your own personal room in the middle of this cramped bathroom. EVERYONE wants that stall, which means—messy.
More desirable means more use. More use increases the probability of a mess. (Loud buzzer sound) The last stall in the row has been eliminated from contention.
Next up, let’s exclude the FIRST stall in the row. Why?
(Insert condescending laugh)
Ohhhh my sweet summer child, the answer is so obvious.
What happens when three people need to pee, and there are only TWO urinals to support their bursting bladders? Boom. You guessed it.
Mr. Can’t Hold It goes straaaaaaight for stall #1. Not only is this likely to happen regularly (thus increasing use, see above for calculations) BUT it also encourages use from the absolute WORST type of person.
The “I can’t wait one more second and so I’m spraying my pee all over this damn toilet seat” kinda person. Ugh. The worst. Goodbye stall #1.
So. What’s left? Well, if we’re lucky, there’s the simple choice of a third stall nestled gently inbetween our two bad options. If you’re staring down the barrel of a three stall public restroom, there’s really only one reasonable choice.
However. What if there are 4? What if there are 5? What if I just stepped off a flight from Paris to San Francisco, and I round the corner of the restroom to find 10 freaking stalls staring me right in the face?
What now? What next? What does the science tell us?
My friend. I don’t know.
It’s been my life’s work to find an answer to this riddle, but still it evades me. Perhaps one day, with a bit more thought, the solution will reveal itself to me.
Perhaps with a few more years and a bit more data, I’ll find the pattern that I’m searching for.
Until then, the quest for clarity continues.